It’s a rare day in the skies when Mother Goose goes to the Hill, and an even rarer occasion when it inspires her to report on her findings. But because the spectacle of a “House Divided” caught her attention, and led her to wonder what on earth might be happening to democracy in America, she made the trip, recorded her observations, and shared them with The Mitchell Report.
Why TMR, you ask? Why not the New York Times, Washington Post, Time, Weekly Standard, or The Onion?
That’s our secret, and we’ll just sit on it for the moment. In the meantime, here’s what she shared with us.
Jack and Jill Headed for a Spill
Jack and Jill went up the Hill, to fetch a new House Speaker
A fearless soul who can persuade the troops to quell their anger
Say, someone like Mandela, or perhaps a Margaret Thatcher
To unify the party and calm miscreant back-benchers
If it’s unity they’re seeking, the search will take some time
The task seems rather simple, but success would be sublime
They need an alchemist, a sorcerer, a warlock, and a shaman
A persevering chameleon, a bully, and a chaplain
A leader who can herd stray cats and discipline defectors
Who’ll field and suffer brickbats from a slew of slimy congers
It seemed a cinch, a clear no-brainer, to many in their caucus
That superseding Boehner would be absolutely artless
McCarthy nearly had the post, then tripped up on Benghazi
And along came Jason Chaffetz to upset the apple cartzki
The Freedom Riders saddled up and huffed and puffed and snorted
Then downed the Kool-Aid from their cups -- McCarthy’s ride aborted!
Other voices and other hats queued up for close inspection
Some were dogs and others cats, but none brought home the bacon
As time wore on and on, as did Trump and Fiorina
There surfaced a familiar name -- a deus ex machina?
An Irish lad from Janesville, in the heart of Wisconsin’s First
Who loves to bludgeon budgets, just to satisfy his thirst
He’s straight from Central Casting, “Why, he looks like one of us!”
And he learned his economics from both Hayek and Aquinas
He’s the kind of fellow that his party needs right now
With expertise in ways and means as well as when and how
Trouble is, he far too smart to suffer ‘truthiness’
He understands Pogo 101: “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
So as they came a-clambering, beseeching him profusely
To take the helm of Congress and lead them resolutely
He clearly saw the pitfalls baked in this candidacy
And thought they seemed eerily akin to flying kamikazes
As the pressure was a-building to have him take the bait
Along came Columbus Day recess, which means they’ll have to wait
So while they’re out the Speaker’s post is hanging in the balance
Boehner’s stuck and will have to have more vigor and – ugh -- patience
So Jack and Jill are off the Hill, but may soon be up a creek
If Ryan doesn’t make the leap, then who else might be Speak(er)?
Gingrich, citing Washington (Geo.), said he would serve if summoned
Which induced some to say, “If it’s Gingrich, I’d sooner be poisoned.”
‘Tis like Mother Hubbard who went to her cupboard many years ago
She found it bare and did declare, “Wassup? What now? Hey, yo!
The dog had no bone, she was alone, and her options weren’t so great
Neither baker nor seamstress, cobbler or tailor could modify her fate.
You know the story, a quaint allegory, like every Mother Goose rhyme
This time it’s real - hear ‘em squeal - a soap opera in prime time
Like kids who cry ‘Wolf!’ and won’t share toys with their friends
There will soon come a time when even they must make amends.
Mother Goose had this to say before she headed back her way:
“Democracy means you get your say, but not your way, not every day”
“Beg to differ, dear Mother Goose, we make the rules in our backyard!
“Ah, yes,” she said,” but do recall this counsel from our favorite bard”
“For tis the sport to haue the enginer
Hoist with his owne petar”